"I don't know why I am writing this... it has not been my style for a long time to do the "emotional overshare" especially on a random blog where nobody knows me... but I need a public space to share this.
I was quite fat all my life. No 2 ways about it. First kid my age to hit 100 lbs by at least 30-40 lbs and it continued that way my whole life until Gastric Bypass... (which, I will GLADLY say saved my F*'ing life! Another Blog) By High School I was 380lbs and between 21 and 26 I went back and forth between 380 to my peak of 430 lbs... I say all that so nobody thinks I say I was fat by vanity standards nor self loathing... :) Self loathing was there too, but it's a totally separate issue!
Anywho... I was just thinking about how the neighbor kids used to love playing "Ditch" or "Tag" every time I was around. It pissed me off more than I can even say but I never told them so... At 8 years old, I had a secret... one I am finally ready to reveal at 33 years old. I KNEW they were trying to embarrass me. I knew that the seemingly random way I always ended up the one who was "IT" was not at all random... but I never complained... Instead, I worked my fucking ass off to shock the shit out of them. I ran until I about passed out, I ran and ran and they danced circles around me... Hours went by and I kept running after those pricks...Until one would finally concede because they wanted a chance to be on offense!
Usually I was gracious... and tagged one and proceeded to pass out... lol... though I am embarassed to admit that once I slapped a guy so hard he cried as my tag... there were taunts and name calling and I was pissed! lol.. anyway..
There are two points here... 1) I never gave up... Bottom line, FUCK YO COUCH! but there is the sad point number 2) I was a sad child.... I came from a very abusive household where I felt like garbage most of the time at home... so pretending these kids were my friends actually was no big deal... It was not hard to become convinced that they were... and the bottom line, is I remained tough and actually earned the respect of the ones who mattered. I made a difference in their life, they made a difference in mine. (Strange, the kid I slapped so hard he cried, never liked me... hmmm...)
I have to admit this here and now though... the sadness never faded. That is unimportant. Maybe somebody out there has the secret to true release of sadness, I do not. But what I do possess is even greater, I have released 99% of my resentment and that has truly freed me! I got issues, no doubt, but what I don't have, is this overwhelming need for God to explain why life was as it was, for him to justify why life isn't fair. It simply is not fair and that's that. So you make it fair! You get up more than you get knocked down, you make up a few new rules, you fight for your right to exist and you go a little crazy...
...and somewhere along the line you realize that you can stop running because you decided to play freeze tag and every single one of the people you're playing with is frozen and you go in the house and have some Pizza Rolls! :) LOL!
BTW, Proud to say I'm under 200 lbs these days! And I'd probably slap that kid again despite all the lessons I've learned! He stole my 1st generation Garbage Pail Kid cards, do you know how much those suckers are worth? :)
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