The sadness of the happy fat kid... and his secret... :)

"I don't know why I am writing this... it has not been my style for a long time to do the "emotional overshare" especially on a random blog where nobody knows me... but I need a public space to share this.

I was quite fat all my life.  No 2 ways about it.  First kid my age to hit 100 lbs by at least 30-40 lbs and it continued that way my whole life until Gastric Bypass... (which, I will GLADLY say saved my F*'ing life! Another Blog)  By High School I was 380lbs and between 21 and 26 I went back and forth between 380 to my peak of 430 lbs... I say all that so nobody thinks I say I was fat by vanity standards nor self loathing... :) Self loathing was there too, but it's a totally separate issue!

Anywho... I was just thinking about how the neighbor kids used to love playing "Ditch" or "Tag" every time I was around. It pissed me off more than I can even say but I never told them so... At 8 years old, I had a secret... one I am finally ready to reveal at 33 years old.  I KNEW they were trying to embarrass me. I knew that the seemingly random way I always ended up the one who was "IT" was not at all random... but I never complained... Instead, I worked my fucking ass off to shock the shit out of them.  I ran until I about passed out, I ran and ran and they danced circles around me... Hours went by and I kept running after those pricks...Until one would finally concede because they wanted a chance to be on offense!

Usually I was gracious... and tagged one and proceeded to pass out... lol... though I am embarassed to admit that once I slapped a guy so hard he cried as my tag... there were taunts and name calling and I was pissed! lol.. anyway..

There are two points here... 1) I never gave up... Bottom line, FUCK YO COUCH! but there is the sad point number 2) I was a sad child.... I came from a very abusive household where I felt like garbage most of the time at home... so pretending these kids were my friends actually was no big deal... It was not hard to become convinced that they were... and the bottom line, is I remained tough and actually earned the respect of the ones who mattered.  I made a difference in their life, they made a difference in mine.  (Strange, the kid I slapped so hard he cried, never liked me... hmmm...)

I have to admit this here and now though... the sadness never faded.   That is unimportant.  Maybe somebody out there has the secret to true release of sadness, I do not. But what I do possess is even  greater, I have released 99% of my resentment and that has truly freed me!  I got issues, no doubt, but what I don't have, is this overwhelming need for God to explain why life was as it was, for him to justify why life isn't fair.  It simply is not fair and that's that.  So you make it fair!  You get up more than you get knocked down, you make up a few new rules, you fight for your right to exist and you go a little crazy...

...and somewhere along the line you realize that you can stop running because you decided to play freeze tag and every single one of the people you're playing with is frozen and you go in the house and have some Pizza Rolls! :) LOL!

BTW, Proud to say I'm under 200 lbs these days!  And I'd probably slap that kid again despite all the lessons I've learned!  He stole my 1st generation Garbage Pail Kid cards, do you know how much those suckers are worth? :)

Declare an "Offline" day!

Declare an "Offline Day"

The Internet is a wonderful tool.  It connects us in ways we have never been connected.  That is something nobody can deny.  But the strange effect of this sort of inter-connectivity, is that while we've gained a connection to one another closer than ever in human history, a connection with people halfway around the world or even in outer space if that's where they happen to be, we've lost our connection with the people who are closest to us!

I realized this the other day when I had a full conversation with my cousin who resides in the same house as I, both of us in a basement with no doors on any room (Blankets are great for privacy, but don't do much to soundproof a room! :) Instead of getting up to go talk, I IM'ed her.  For a half hour we conversed this way and I finally said "F*&# THIS!" when the conversation got to the point where I tried to start a Skype conversation with her.  I yelled to her "Never mind... this is stupid!" at a volume that was not incredibly loud.

It hit me.  When I am IMing somebody who can hear me when I cough, there is something wrong with the situation!

So I've decided, I'm going to declare 1 day per week as my "Offline Day", I'm thinking Sunday's since it is such a natural day of rest but it really does not matter which day.  

I'm not going to be ridiculous about it.  If I need directions from Google Maps, or a phone number or to pay a bill or some other utility purpose of the internet, I'm not going to deny myself the usefulness that the internet provides.  But I am going to say no to Facebook, IM, Twitter (I cringed when I wrote that... This is not going to be easy...) and other social networking platforms.  Instead, I'm going to make plans.  If people want to talk to me, they can at a minimum revert to the ever impersonal phone call, but I would much rather something along the lines of meeting at a coffee shop or going to a movie... or going fishing... or quiet meditation where neither of us says a word... 

The point is togetherness, a chance to feel the vibrational energy that flows between us whenever 2 human beings do something at the same time and in the same place.  Heck, even a phone call means we are sharing conversation that is quite obvious if one stops paying attention.  It's a shared experience where both people need to be involved if it is going to work.  IM allows me to get up and make a sandwich and continue the conversation 20 minutes later, and I feel we lose something there!

I'll be the first to admit, I'm going to cheat... but its the intentional resistance that I feel will begin to make a difference.  Maybe I'll only have an "Offline Hour" or two, but the point is that I am reaching out intentionally for a connection that allows me to remain Human.  That is important to me!

My only regret - Prose

As I sink deeper into this hole of despair
This bottomless pit sucking me down, sucking me down.
I realize this, this horrible fate of mine,
Was THIS as it was intended, beginning to end?

As I dig deeper, into this fabric of memory,
The cloth covering my soul like a coat made of ice,
I realize, try as I might,
I may be destined to fail.

As I kiss the stone laying upon the land
The dirt burying my flesh beneath hard layers deemed lifeless
I realize, I have hardend inside, my soul gone sour.
Why me? Why Now? Why must I fall?

We lay in a box, Pandora and I,
Waiting patiently for you to come, but you never do,
As time moves on, Universal congruence regained,
We pray only for ONE MOMENT of glory, before the dust settles.